"May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you." Psalm 25:21 NLT

Rest on God's promises; stand behind yours.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

for no one in particular.


They say, keep going and don't ever look back, and somewhere down the road, everything will be fine.

But everything is not fine.

As the breeze has turned icy and the wind has swept away the withering summer, I find myself trapped alone in this abyss with a dead end.

I haven't really gone anywhere, no matter how hard I lied to myself. I was merely running on a treadmill of his presence. Time has gone by and life has carried on, but I was never out of his captivity, lingering at the old somber spot, dangling from thought of him, struggling to run free, but failing, failing, and keeping on failing...

Or did I really want to be free of all of this? It was said that it takes half of the length of the relationship to truly and fully get over that person. Have I really made myself believe this? If so, I have sentenced myself to his prison for the shattered happiness. I have let myself become both the criminal and the victim in this trial of love. O how self-abusive this is! But how can I escape, when I locked myself into this miserable cell? How can I forget, when I painted the memories on these prison walls? How can I be free, when all I wanted was to be captured by his charm?
When what it was no longer is, where does the love go? What do I do with this unsettled love? Do I put it on the shelf to be displayed and constantly remind myself of the pain? Do I leave it in the fridge to keep it fresh and hope that he'll come back to pick it up the way he left it? Do I throw it in the trash and let it rot away with my memories? Tell me, where does the love go, after he's gone?

Will I be rescued before I die fulfilling my self-sentenced imprisonment? Who will rescue me? There are many ladders thrown down into the abyss, inviting me to climb out of the coldness for some sunshine. I've always given up halfway. The ladders were too flimsy, too dangerous and too untrustworthy. Is there really sunshine at the end o the ladders? Even if there is, is it the sunshine I want? Will it melt the iceberg in my heart, bring back my smile, and break through the rain and snow, like his sunshine?

Keep going and don't look back. You will be alright, and everything will be fine, they tell me.

Will it, really?

Will it, ever?

I was browsing random webpages earlier and I read SANDY's blog. It caught my attention and so I'm sharing it to you all. I was blown away!


No comments: